I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
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