How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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