i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
