If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
