Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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