I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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