i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
