and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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