ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
