Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
