sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
