Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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