before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
