Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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