Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
