he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
