Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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