I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
