Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
