i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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