Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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