I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
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