life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
