Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
