The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
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Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
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My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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