were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n