I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.