happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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