I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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