i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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