Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
