just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
