I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
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well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
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I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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