You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
