i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today