Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...