Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
