just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
