Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
