Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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