I want to walk on stilts...naked
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
