Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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