Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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