i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
