1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
