I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
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Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
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I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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