Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
