Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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