I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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