Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
