Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
