He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
