I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
