the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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