Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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