He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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