It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize