Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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