Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
