I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
