"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
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