The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
