hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
