Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm too high and old for this...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
