Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
