I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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