how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
You smell like stripper and shame
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
