She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
